Pandemonium
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: ShikaTema scenefic. Which is just a quirky way of saying a scene I was thinking of fitting into a multichaptered dealie that didn't work out. Why do all the loud ones find Shikamaru?


**Pandemonium**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! **

**A/N: :D Blond(e)s. **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

I eyed the blond that was glowering rebelliously at me from his spot on the ground, red and black cloak in tatters, blood crusting on his lip and over various wounds on his body. I turned my gaze to the blonde that sat seething on a rock on the opposite side of our makeshift camp. She caught my eye and sneered as if to say, _oh, go on, I would love to see you do what I couldn't. _

This would be troublesome.

We'd captured the Akatsuki member after a hard battle, and Temari had insisted on being the first to question him. I objected, naturally—he was a ninja, he'd obviously be resilient to torture. But the stubborn woman had her way, as stubborn women will, and they'd insulted each other for a while before she began her…interrogation, for lack of a better word. Ibiki would've flinched at her methods, but the blond man hadn't even whimpered. Her methods got increasingly violent until I stepped in.

"So," I asked the blue-eyed shinobi, "Who's your leader?"

He spat on the ground dismissively. "I'm not opening my mouth, un! Save your breath, go jump up your own ass and die, h'mm!"

Temari stood up, fury etched into her features. "Don't talk to him like that, you stupid son of a bitch, or I'll cut your testicles off!"

"Don't talk to _**me **_like _**that **_you blonde bimbo, or I'll blow up your tits!"

I blew out a puff of air exasperatedly. Could the insults get any cruder? My teammate opened and closed her mouth several times, stunned. I don't think anyone ever called her a _bimbo _before. Temari has been called many names, but bimbo was never one of them.

"You're blond too, dumbass!" she yelled after a few seconds.

"Whatever, bitch, I'm blond, I'm not a sadistic asswipe!"

I sighed. Why did all the loud ones find me? Ino, Temari, Naruto, now this blond idiot.

"Temari, shut up and sit down; it's my turn. You," I addressed my prisoner, "What's your name?"

He studied me suspiciously before grinding it out. "Deidara, un."

"Deidara, huh? Would you like some water?"

He scoffed, or tried to, but his dry throat turned into a cough. "Lame, guys. What, you're playing good cop, bad cop? She tortures me for a while, you swoop in with water and kindness and I spill the beans, yeah? I don't think so."

"Listen, dumbass!" Temari was up and shouting again, "We're not stupid! We know those kinds of tricks won't work! Shikamaru, what're you playing at? Beat the answers out of him!"  
"Yeah, that's worked real well so far, un! Why don't you go jump off a cliff, you stupid slut!?"

"I'm not a _**slut,**_" she shrieked, and I was by her side in a flash, stopping her from drawing the great fan. Temari using wind summoning is a scary sight, and I never want to put her in a situation where she has to use it.

"_**Move, **_Nara!"

"I got it all under control," I soothed her, "Just watch, okay? He's trying to get under your skin."

"And succeeding, un."

"See? See what I mean?" I said, pushing her back down on the rock, "Remember what you told me? Emotion control. Don't spazz, okay?"

"I'm not _**spazzing.**_"

"Of course not," I rolled my eyes and got back to the other blond. "Right, Deidara was it? Water." I held out a skein of the stuff, and he squinted as it like it was a sack of sin.

"It's poisoned," he said finally.

I took a sip and splashed some on my face. "See? It's all good."

He reached out for it, and I handed it over, watching with a twinge of pain as he greedily gulped at the liquid. I love Temari, but sometimes she can be too harsh.

"You okay?"

Deidara made a non-committal sort of noise, and began picking at the wounds on his arms, the mouths on his hand licking tentatively.

"What does that do?" I asked, interested.

"The saliva has an anti septic." He sounded _**exactly **_like a sulking child, and I bit back a smile. "I know who you are," he added to Temari, "You're the sister of the one tail jinchuuriki."

"Enjoy the knowledge, it won't help you. you'll be killed once you give us what we need," the flaxen haired female snarled.

"That's probably why he's not cooperating," I pointed out helpfully, "Temari, didn't I tell you to shut up?"  
"You're not the boss of me!"

"Consider it friendly advice. Shut up, or I'll tell Tsunade-sama you wantonly jeopardized our mission."

She glowered at me, but took her seat again. My Hokage is as fond of her as she is of Sakura, and Temari would never do anything to dull that affection.

I turned back to the blond, intending to question him my way when a rather urgent need tugged at my mind for attention.

"Okay, here's the deal," I turned to Temari again, "I gotta pee. You two gotta try not to kill each other until I get back. Temari, knock him out if he tries to escape, but otherwise, _**ignore **_him."

"That sounds like an order, Nara."

"It is. I'm the official captain on this two-man team."

She glared at me, but I turned my back and made my way to some nearby bushes to drop trou, keeping an ear out for telltale signs of trouble. Sure enough, a wild scream of rage resonated through the woods, followed by a fierce rush of wind.

Well, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. I sprinted back to camp where Temari was beating the tar out of Deidara with her fan—not even bothering to summon a wind after the initial gust I'd felt—whacking him repeatedly over the head with the metal base.

It'd have been funny if it wasn't for all the blood.

"Temari!" I lunged for her, dragging her away from the poor bastard even as she fought tooth and claw to get back at him, literally. I swore as she bit my finger hard enough to draw blood and shook her sharply.

"Temari! Calm down!"

She sputtered indignantly, "I…you! Him! Stupid…words!"

"What'd he call you now?"

"He called _**you—**_a dickless bastard! And said that…! Argh!"  
I started laughing as I held her back, burying her head in my chest. "What do I care what he says about me? they're just words; he's half delusional from the pain!"

"You don't get it!" she yelled, "I'm so sick of every idiot that meets you going on about how just because you don't like to get violent right off the bat, you're a coward! You're the bravest person I've met, and the smartest! I always kill first and ask questions later, but you actually feel bad about taking a life! This is the last straw; I swore to myself the next jerk who makes a comment about your manhood _**dies **_by my hands_**.**_"

I quickly ceased to be amused, and pulled her into a tight hug to stop her struggling more than anything. Temari still breathed heavily, but she was limp in my arms.

"Temari," I said, "I love you. But you need to understand that I don't care about what other people think about me. the people I care about—you, my team, my master, my village—they all know me. what do I care about the opinions of people who jump to conclusions like that?"

"That's just it," she murmured, "You don't care. So they keep talking…but I care! You're mine, my lazy bum, my Shikamaru, and anyone who talks trash about you is in for an ass kicking."

"There's no arguing with you, is there? Stubborn woman."

"Not troublesome?"

"Stubborn woman," I kissed her, "Who is well worth the trouble."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**D: I wrote this like a year ago, and it finally surfaced when I was looking for my old notes. Yay for finally getting published! :3**


End file.
